More Movie Madness

Read here for policies and other nonsense regarding my movie postings. I won't retype because I'm still not a full man. Har har, you're so damn funny, now put aside your smutty thoughts and let's get down to it.

Live Free or Die Hard (2007)
It's John McClane. It's terrorists...cyber-terrorists no less! Things blow up, there's shooting and things smash into other things. What's not to like? Lots! Hell, I don't know why I dialed this one up. I'm not a fan of the franchise. I can dig Bruce Willis, but these movies always seemed hokey. I couldn't sleep and I keep seeing it in the list and convincing myself not to fall for it. Basking in the glow of the newly erected municipal sun outside my window at 3am, I could no longer resist. There isn't much to say, really. It fits the mold. You'll be cringing and thinking it's all absurd, just as I was. But a funny thing happened on the way to the forum. I found myself rooting for crazy 'ol John McClane. I was having fun. Then the movie lasted another forty minutes and the fun was long gone. Nice try though. I can say it didn't disappoint. Take that and run with it. PASS

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
What the fuck. Seriously. This is a doozy. So, um, there's like, um, something that happens and there's like, um, a mystery and theres blue all over and it's annoying. Who wrote this? Jeff Hammond. Anyway...girl goes missing. Girl is found. Or is she? DUH DUH DUMB! People are confused. Will we ever figure it out? Yes, yes we will. Will they? Sort of, but it takes them a lot longer. Yeah, and back to the blue thing. It's a technique, someone went to film school or read a Movies For Dummies book. It's overdone, gents. We get it. Thanks. By the time the twist is revealed, all our wishing and hoping that it isn't what we thought it was an hour ago is dashed. It really is just so. Damn. As for Lohan....not bad. This was not her fault. She did what she could. There was some nice gore, but they added some elements that made it laughable. Glass cutlery. Really? REALLY? And it's blue!? Whoa. FAIL

The Nanny Diaries (2007)
Here we have the Cute Directionless College Grad, the Well-to-do New Yorkers, the Bratty Kid, and the I'm Not That Guy Upper Crusty Love Interest. So yeah, this should be a bomb, but as it happens sometimes, it was not. Sadly, I must report that I stopped multi-tasking and gave this my full attention. I don't even really like Scarlett Johansson and I definitely have a bug up my ass about Laura Linney. Nevertheless, the no surprises, feel good feature fit the mood and lived up to what it meant to be. Perhaps it was fond memories of my nanny, or a nice side role by Alicia Keys or an underutilized Paul Giamatti. I don't know. It was a weekend afternoon kind of thing. It was short. Everything turned out as it should. Hooray! Let's go for martinis and bum bashing! PASS

Mr. Woodcock (2007)
Oh, holy christ on a Popsicle stick. This is the kind of thing that scars children for life. I don't even know what to say about this. Guy succeeds in life despite a crummy gym teacher he had when he was 9 and goes mental upon finding out his mother is dating that same dipshit eons later. Sounds like an award winner. Damn, there's Stifler trying to be some other character. That's ok. I'll give him a lot of slack for providing me the decapitation scene in Final Destination. I think he may have actually been doing the role of Stifler acting in a spoof movie about making the worst movie ever made. That might explain how they got him to do the movie.

Sean's Agent: "It's Bowfinger meets Romy and Michele meets Saving Silverman. Are ya feeling' me, Sean?"

Sean: "What? Yeah, maybe....it could be funny. It just sounds weird. I never thought of Stifler as the theatrical type. Maybe that's where some of the goofs come in..."

SA: "Um, sure sure. We got Sarandon and Billy Bob"

Sean: "Really? I loved The Witches of Eastwick. OK, I'm in"

The bigger question is what kind of nasty do you need to blackmail Susan Sarandon and Billy Bob Thornton with to get them in a film like this. FAIL DOUBLE FAIL HALF DISASTER WITH A TWIST



Stay tuned. More helpful and illuminating reviews to come.