Living Lo Pan

As David Lo Pan once said, "I must sacrifice you. But I love you and I need you." I'm sure we can all sympathize.

Living Lohan, on the other hand, is an entirely different matter.

These damn shows keep popping up. I don't know who the fuck thinks people care, but we, the viewing public, just keep watching anyway. We sit glassy-eyed and drunk, drooling on ourselves, remote at the ready like a gunslinger trying to relive the great old days. When the west was wild and the game still meant something. When the Real World was, for all intents, real and Ozzie was still picking feathers from his teeth.

Now we have every useless ass with an agent and a tenuous connection to fame getting a half hour a week to show us what wonders their lives are. I'll admit, some of these people are surprisingly worthwhile and some of the shows have had moments (if only briefly). Nevertheless, on the whole, the concept is wearing thin.

Somehow I found myself watching two guys named Corey, some girl named Denise and a trio of Lohans. The Lohans made me more edgy than any of it. Most likely due to having just watched the wreck that is Corey Haim trying to find something, anything, to grab onto.

I found myself wondering if the next young Lohan is going to make it through this early life without those same kind of scars. While the Lohan Matriarch seems to think she is navigating this all quite well (I'm not even going to dig into what happened to the first version), I am not so sure. What I saw was a 14-year-old, in Las Vegas, trying to cut an album with some casino owners, all the while being followed around by cameras whose purpose is to bare her "reality" to the public via this TV show. I saw crying and immaturity and a sincere desire to be a 14-year-old and not be stuck inside all day with a microphone.

I suppose it's not the worst thing to happen to a teen girl in this great America. I do wonder how 14-year-olds became such masters of their own domain though. If I got to do whatever the hell I wanted at that age, I wouldn't be the man I am today. But, perhaps I would be less angry.

Tune in next week as Denise Richards does nothing of interest, one of the Corey's goes off the deep end and Mrs Lohan continues to make dreams come true.